Now I’m not the most venereal of guys but I can’t be the only one who thinks that sex just isn’t that great. It’s bearable at best. The primitive shagging, the sweaty thrusting, the fake orgasms, the smelly genitals, the awkward post-coital chat… Can’t we just watch a New Wave French film, drink red wine and discuss Kant’s ‘Moral Theory’??
I’m being facetious.
I’m not a virgin, but also I’m no monk. From my modest sexual experiences, I’ve found that sleeping alone is far more comfortable than entangled in another’s limbs. I’ve leant that pubic hairs are a choking hazard and most of all, I really hate being naked. They say ‘if you’ve got it, flaunt it’, but I don’t ‘got it’ so I’d prefer not to ‘flaunt it’. I wouldn’t fuck me, so why would someone else want to… I’m the un-athletic, relatively hairy, bespectacled Jewish depressive type. Does that turn you on? No, I didn’t think so.
Fundamentally, I hate the idea of embarrassing myself. Sex, to me, is like a tight-rope walk across the fucking Niagara Falls. It’s stressful and at any moment you could plunder to the depths of shame and premature ejaculation. I’m doing just fine without it.
What I find most puzzling is the bravado culture of a group of lads who sincerely believe that fucking is the pinnacle objective of life. If a group member pulls on a night out, he is venerated like a child who’s just done his first shit in a proper toilet. There’s a weird feudal system whereby the lad that has had the most sex is held in the highest regard.
Obviously I blame the media who promote this idea. The overly sexualised ad-campaigns, the revolting ‘lads-mags’, the unnecessary plethora of sex scenes in movies… It’s all bad stuff, designed to lure you from your deepest primal desires to give other people your money. (Also don’t watch porn. Porn is not sex. Porn is porn. Big difference.)
Within university culture, there’s a lot of pressure to have sex. Everyone’s fucking, every night, everywhere. Consequently, someone like me, with a vague interest in procreation, feels out of place and assumedly A-sexual. I’m not A-sexual, I just enjoy dissecting social norms. Everything we do becomes progressively weird the more you think about it.
Perhaps I’m missing something. Perhaps I just haven’t had enough sex to understand it’s virtues. Perhaps I’m just secretly jealous. Perhaps I am a mildly A-sexual weirdo. I don’t know. But what I do know is that I am not the only one who feels this way… right???