LOVE AND SEX IN AN ONLINE WORLD. ‘FUCKING ON FACEBOOK’. ANONYMOUS.

Fucking [on] Facebook.

Tingles like warm champagne bubbles pour down my spine
Float along the skin of my stomach and my breasts
Craving my mouth. When they reach they draw out a sigh of longing Then burst.
Feeling your fingers tracing my flesh
Though that caress is a ghost.
For you are far from me, yet this fizzing
Bubbling Over me
is created by lustful words
Typed feverishly by you in black on white, By memory of our bodies pressed
Our skin sweat
By waiting and waiting for that minute
We touch again, hair on end.
This paradoxical block in my hand that comforts with
Your words, Your face, pulls me closer
Yet mocks how far from you I am
And pushes you further yet.
When times are more melancholy
And the longing is not for flesh
Just for the wish of a kind word
Or the hope of reassurance that never Comes
It dissolves into read, and no reply. Read, and no reply.
Saved nudes will be my virtual legacy: The girl who was so far away for so long
For whom ‘the timing was wrong’ That you couldn’t stand my nearness Or the fear of me leaving. Maybe.
Maybe Absence does make the heart grow fonder, And maybe loving you was easier when we were side by side or Separated by sea and tide and maybe no wifi made loving me easier?

Because I was sex on a screen, Soon-to-be-real dream, A queen of wit who you couldn’t see scream And cry when she needed But merely a witty reply or ‘I’m fine’ And you could believe it.

Read and don’t reply. I’m fine.

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IS SEX REALLY THAT GREAT?  A thought and opinion written by Shaz.

Now I’m not the most venereal of guys but I can’t be the only one who thinks that sex just isn’t that great. It’s bearable at best. The primitive shagging, the sweaty thrusting, the fake orgasms, the smelly genitals, the awkward post-coital chat… Can’t we just watch a New Wave French film, drink red wine and discuss Kant’s ‘Moral Theory’??

I’m being facetious.

I’m not a virgin, but also I’m no monk. From my modest sexual experiences, I’ve found that sleeping alone is far more comfortable than entangled in another’s limbs. I’ve leant that pubic hairs are a choking hazard and most of all, I really hate being naked. They say ‘if you’ve got it, flaunt it’, but I don’t ‘got it’ so I’d prefer not to ‘flaunt it’. I wouldn’t fuck me, so why would someone else want to… I’m the un-athletic, relatively hairy, bespectacled Jewish depressive type. Does that turn you on? No, I didn’t think so.

Fundamentally, I hate the idea of embarrassing myself. Sex, to me, is like a tight-rope walk across the fucking Niagara Falls. It’s stressful and at any moment you could plunder to the depths of shame and premature ejaculation. I’m doing just fine without it.

What I find most puzzling is the bravado culture of a group of lads who sincerely believe that fucking is the pinnacle objective of life. If a group member pulls on a night out, he is venerated like a child who’s just done his first shit in a proper toilet. There’s a weird feudal system whereby the lad that has had the most sex is held in the highest regard.

Obviously I blame the media who promote this idea. The overly sexualised ad-campaigns, the revolting ‘lads-mags’, the unnecessary plethora of sex scenes in movies… It’s all bad stuff, designed to lure you from your deepest primal desires to give other people your money. (Also don’t watch porn. Porn is not sex. Porn is porn. Big difference.)

Within university culture, there’s a lot of pressure to have sex. Everyone’s fucking, every night, everywhere. Consequently, someone like me, with a vague interest in procreation, feels out of place and assumedly A-sexual. I’m not A-sexual, I just enjoy dissecting social norms. Everything we do becomes progressively weird the more you think about it.

Perhaps I’m missing something. Perhaps I just haven’t had enough sex to understand it’s virtues. Perhaps I’m just secretly jealous. Perhaps I am a mildly A-sexual weirdo. I don’t know. But what I do know is that I am not the only one who feels this way… right???

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ODE TO A SCHMUCK

You KNEW I’d never been touched like that,

and what kind of a song choice afterwards –

Were you trying to be impressive??

Well CONGRATULATIONS, I would have been impressed by James Blunt

If he’d paid as much attention to my cunt.

Meanwhile I’m loving these b-list bond villain ultimatums:

I can

a) meet you for a drink

Or I can

b) fuck off?

………

??????

…….?????!!!!!??!!

ANYWAY

don’t fret –

You’ll always be my first

Schmuck.

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