‘This is a poem about being up your own arse’ . A poem, a rant and an interview all in one. Code name- Thomas Aquinas.

My Cock and Balls Don’t Work


My Cock and Balls Don’t Work,

It’s not my fault I promise,

It was the rum and then the coke

That left a’ doubting Thomas


Never one for atavists,

My useless gland is cautious,

I want a cup of tea,

And she’s becoming nauseous


Eventually I raised white flag,

Without the craven peg,

I took my right hand home with me

And came on my right leg


As I stand in half light,

Wiping sperm off my own limb,

I wonder how to tell my friend,

How to break the news to him


Then I realise he won’t want to know,

Not through any fault of his own,

My semen-filled odyssey is too much

Yet I relay it groan by groan


Lyric by lyric I wear him down

Till he says he feels queasy,

I spare no minor detail,

Till everyone feels uneasy


I begin to wrap up my tale

I’ve all but finished mine,

When he starts to tell me of his night

With a more positive storyline


He talks and talks of his success,

He boasts with his sex crown,

I try to silence him again and again

But he starts to write it down


No one wants to hear of his

Thinly veiled conceit

About what he does with clitorides

Or what he does with feet


Someone at last pulls him over

They tell him to be quiet,

‘Please don’t carry on’ she said,

‘We’re beginning to get tired…


Your opinions are inconsequential,

You’ll never change the world,

Your poor attempts at modesty

All but make me hurl’


And to the ‘experts’ to whom this is

Intended most to irk,

Spare a thought for those of us

Whose cock and balls don’t work.




This is a poem about being up your own arse.

Some of us aren’t fortunate as others in the bedroom.

Many a time I have been at the crease without a cricket bat even though I’ve got my helmet on and everything.

People like to go into great deal about sexual experiences in my presence and it doesn’t fill me with confidence, nor anyone else.

The harsh reality is that I can tell that they’re not being honest as well.



Thomas Aquinas would like to point out that his cock and balls have worked several times. This poem draws from experience on a few, limited occasions.







WIGFY- Do you think we shouldn’t go into a great deal about our sexual experiences?


T.A- No, no I think it’s important, but thinly-veiled bragathons aren’t important


WIGFY- And you’ve met a lot of these people, and where they mostly men or women?


T.A- Sometimes both, but mostly men.


WIGFY- Why do you think they do it?


T.A – Because they’re insecure

Like I said in the rant, I can tell when people are being dishonest about it.

And that’s when it crosses the line of importance.










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